Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”