I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
just having fun
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.