Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
This could’ve been an email.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare