Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Well, that should do it
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
So true for me
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food