I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.