EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My beach vacation Google searches
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
who did the taste test?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.