Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES