[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.