me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.