Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
is this how new cars are made??
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m tired tomorrow.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.