Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
⛄️
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.