Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You Might Also Like
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Taliband
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!