Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
🙀🙀🙀😹
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land