Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.