me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The happy life.. 😊