“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
You Might Also Like
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
somebody come look at this
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge