Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Worth the read.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.