A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
You Might Also Like
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
secret recipe
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
why would tinder want me to say this
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.