“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
President The Rock Obama
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Tuesday
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’