Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.