Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!