If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My background check bounced.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”