Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa