3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
any last words?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”