interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?