13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.