Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox