He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.