You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
😂🤣😂🤣
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Teach your children to beatbox
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.