Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish