In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.