You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*lint rolls you awake*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.