Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
is this meant to deter me
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
No regrets in 2018
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?