what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I drew y’all a little something.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.