If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
bears
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.