10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
This is always good for a laugh.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”