felt cute might bury dad later idk
You Might Also Like
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it