The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
can you read it!!??
maan!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”