I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
courtroom exchange of the day
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.