Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff