16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe