So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
You Might Also Like
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
2022 will be better than 2021
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]