*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.