A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Coffee for people with no kids
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat