It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You Might Also Like
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I have a type: disappointing
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.