When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You Might Also Like
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.