Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*Seductively hides in the woods
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don鈥檛 get me started on what my kids did.
lost dog
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I鈥檝e been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston