Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
You Might Also Like
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
🖤✌🏽
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.