If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.