My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?